Ever feel like you’re constantly saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”? You’re not alone. In this deep dive into people-pleasing, inspired by Mel Robbins’ insightful YouTube video, we’ll explore why putting yourself first isn’t selfish—it’s essential. Whether you’re setting boundaries with family, friends, or even at work, this article will help you understand the science behind people-pleasing, how it impacts your mental health, and practical steps to reclaim your life. Ready to stop being a “yes” person and start living authentically? Let’s dive in.
People-pleasing is more than just being nice—it’s a coping mechanism rooted in fear. Fear of rejection, fear of conflict, and fear of disappointing others. But here’s the truth: people-pleasing isn’t about others—it’s about your inability to tolerate discomfort. When you start prioritizing yourself, you might face pushback from those who are used to you saying “yes.” But as Mel Robbins explains, that’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s a sign you’re doing something right.
In this article, we’ll break down Mel Robbins’ advice on how to navigate the tricky waters of people-pleasing, why saying “no” is a form of self-respect, and how to handle the fallout when others don’t like your boundaries. Plus, we’ll explore the science behind why people-pleasing feels so uncomfortable and how to rewire your brain to prioritize your needs. By the end, you’ll have the tools to say “no” with confidence and start living a life that’s true to you.
The Science Behind People-Pleasing
People-pleasing isn’t just a bad habit—it’s a neurological response. According to research by Dr. Juan Dominguez of Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, our brains are wired to avoid conflict. When you’re faced with a decision that might upset someone else, your prefrontal cortex and anterior insula—the parts of your brain responsible for decision-making and emotional processing—go into overdrive. This creates a feeling of discomfort that many of us try to avoid by saying “yes” when we really mean “no.”
This neurological response is linked to our evolutionary need to belong. Back in the day, being cast out of your tribe could mean death. So, our brains developed mechanisms to keep us in the group—even if it meant sacrificing our own needs. Fast forward to today, and this same wiring can lead to people-pleasing. The good news? You can rewire your brain. Here’s how:
Why Discomfort is Normal
Mel Robbins uses her pool table story to illustrate this point. For years, she wanted to disassemble her dad’s pool table to reclaim a room in her home. But the thought of disappointing her dad kept her paralyzed. That tension she felt? That’s cognitive dissonance—the uncomfortable feeling that arises when two opposing beliefs clash (e.g., “I want this room” vs. “I don’t want to upset my dad”).
People-pleasers often cave in to avoid this discomfort. But here’s the kicker: discomfort is normal. It’s a sign you’re making a decision that aligns with your values, even if it’s hard. The more you tolerate this discomfort, the easier it becomes to say “no.”
How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty
Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. Start small: say “no” to something you don’t want to do. It could be as simple as skipping a family gathering or saying no to a coworker who keeps dumping extra work on your desk. The key is to reframe “no” as a form of self-respect, not rejection.
Here are Mel Robbins’ top tips for setting boundaries:
- Use the Power of Pause: Instead of saying “yes” automatically, say, “Let me think about it.” This gives you time to consider whether the request aligns with your priorities.
- Practice Empathy: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings while still holding your boundary. For example, “I know this is important to you, and I need to prioritize my health right now.”
- Expect Pushback: When you start setting boundaries, not everyone will like it. That’s okay. As Mel says, “Give people space to be disappointed.”
What to Do When People Don’t Like Your New Boundaries
One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is dealing with the fallout. Family members might call you “selfish,” friends might accuse you of being “rude,” and coworkers might push back. But here’s the thing: their discomfort is not your responsibility.
Mel Robbins shares the story of a listener named Courtney, who faced pushback from her family after setting boundaries. They accused her of being “unkind” and “difficult,” but Courtney realized their reactions were more about their own discomfort than her actions. When you start prioritizing yourself, it forces others to confront their own behaviors and choices. That’s why they push back—it’s easier to blame you than to do the hard work of self-reflection.
How to Handle Rejection When You Start Prioritizing Yourself
Rejection is inevitable when you start saying “no.” But here’s the silver lining: rejection is a sign you’re growing. As Mel Robbins explains, “When you start putting yourself first, that discomfort you were suppressing now appears in the world.”
The key is to reframe rejection as empowerment. Every time you say “no,” you’re proving to yourself that your needs matter. And over time, this builds self-confidence and resilience. So, the next time someone calls you “selfish” for setting a boundary, take it as a compliment. It means you’re finally living for yourself.
Final Thoughts: The Power of Saying "No"
People-pleasing isn’t about being kind—it’s about avoiding discomfort. But here’s the truth: discomfort is a sign you’re growing. Every time you say “no,” you’re reclaiming your power and living authentically. And while not everyone will like it, the people who truly care about you will respect your boundaries.
So, here’s my challenge to you: today, say “no” to one thing you don’t want to do. It could be as simple as skipping a social event or declining an extra project at work. Then, pay attention to how it feels. You’ll likely feel a mix of discomfort and empowerment—and that’s okay. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.
Ready to take the next step? Join the iNthacity community, where we celebrate authenticity and self-discovery. Apply to become a permanent resident of the “Shining City on the Web” and start living a life that’s true to you. Share your thoughts in the comments below—how do you handle people-pleasing? What’s one boundary you’re ready to set? Let’s start the conversation!
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